1. In the upcoming edition of the famous “Archie” comic book protagonist Archie Andrews dies. Apparently, Betty finally caught him in bed with Veronica.
2. According to a new study, the more milk women drink, the less deterioration they experience in their arthritic knees. “Now you tell me,” said Monica Lewinsky.
3. A couple is being sued after burning down their apartment complex when they tried to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. As a result, the warning “Do Not Try This At Home” was legally mandated to be added to the beginning every Guy Fieri cooking show.
4. A Cornell University graduate student conducted a study where bees stung his entire body to determine where the most painful place to be sting was. Turns out, the most painful place for a bee to sting you is the exact same place the previous 100 bees just stung you.
5. In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of “Noah” due to a flood in the movie theater. This marks the second time God sent a flood to save mankind from its own bad decisions.
6. A Texas woman who complained to police that a drug dealer sold her a bad batch of marijuana was arrested yesterday. She used her one phone call to call the police to say she was getting bad reception in her jail cell on the phone she smuggled in.
7. A topless woman in Florida was caught on camera vandalizing a McDonalds in Florida. “Well, I know when I’ve been replaced,” said the Hamburglar.
8. The White House is considering a ban on people taking selfies with President Obama. They are also considering banning selfies with Secretary of State John Kerry just as soon as someone asks for one.
9. A video is making the rounds that shows a rat scurrying about a crowded New York City subway car. But don’t blame the rat or the New York City subway system, blame the taxi drivers who refuse to pick up rats.
10. A bald American man traveled uncontested to Spain using his girlfriend’s passport. Which is just one of the many perks of dating a neo-Nazi skinhead.
