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May 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, NAACP Los Angeles chapter president Leon Jenkins resigned after the group came under fire for its plans to present a lifetime achievement award to Donald Sterling. Which ironically, knowing Sterling, will now be thing he looks upon as his biggest lifetime achievement.

2. According to a new study, men who don’t have success with popular erectile dysfunction drugs may be using them incorrectly. Begging the question, where have they been shoving those pills?

3. Multiple porn stars have agreed to boycott all Samuel L. Jackson movies because he admitted to watching pirated pornography online. That story again, porn starts will be boycotting every movie ever made.

4. Multiple porn stars have agreed to boycott all Samuel L. Jackson movies because he admitted to watching pirated pornography online. And I’m guessing, due to Mr. Jackson’s affinity for the word “motherfucker,” it was mostly MILF porn.

5. On Friday, an Arkansas judge ruled a law requiring voters to bring photo ID to the polls was unconstitutional. Luckily for most Arkansas voters, the judge also ruled it unconstitutional to require voters to bring shoes to the polls as well.

6. According to a report, actor Ben Affleck was banned from playing blackjack at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good.” Which is the same reason they gave Affleck when he asked why “Gigli” was pulled from theaters so quickly.

7. According to a report, actor Ben Affleck was banned from playing blackjack at the Las Vegas Hard Rock Casino because he was “too good.” Affleck being good at something is the ultimate example of something that happens in Vegas, staying in Vegas.

8. Over the weekend, California Chrome won the 140th Kentucky Derby, while Commanding Curve came in second and Sarah Jessica Parker took third.

9. On Saturday, Shelly Sterling, estranged wife of Clippers owner Donald Sterling, said she spoke with NBA Commissioner Adam Silver to tell him she supported his decision to fine her husband and suspend him for life after his disgusting racist comments. Said Shelly Sterling, “You think those comments were disgusting, I’ve seen him naked.”

10. British police launched a European-wide hunt on Friday after five monkeys disappeared from a zoo in northern England. Zoo officials are unsure of how they escaped, but think it has something to do with the hand-dug tunnel hidden behind a poster of Koko the monkey.


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